“The only way to defeat fear is to tell it ‘No.’ No, we will not take shortcuts on the path to righteousness. No, we will not break the rules that protect us from our basest instincts. No, we will not allow desperation to destroy moral authority.” ~ Michael Burnham, Star Trek: Discovery
All to often people try to force those experiencing heart ache into healing faster, to "just get over it", you "deserve better", they say "the other person isn't worth your time", the only time I can see that being good advice is if the other person abused you. And actually abused you not this "Oh they hurt you because they broke up with you but they keep talking to you so they must be abusive emotionally." No that is crap. There is going to be a certain amount of hurt on both sides when there is a break up and each side is going to handle it differently so bug off. If you don't know all the details of the break up, and even if you do, you don't get to make judgments besides what the couple that broke up want you to make. It's not your place to jump in and start offering advice into a hurting persons life, what you do get to do is to be there in presence, to let whichever side you fall on (preferably you fall to both sides, supporting both people) just be a presence, no platitudes, cliches. If either party chooses you as a trusted person to rant their feelings to then you better keep that information as classified as if your life depended on it, it's not your information, it was shared with you because that person thought you could be trusted so prove it to them and don't share their damn mess. And don't allow their rantings to allow your judgment of the other person to become clouded unless they ask it of you. Usually the pain is coming because the person cares so much for the other person and the thought of being away from that is terrifying, they don't want you to think badly of the other person, and if you do you have violated that trust.
Allowing ones self to push into the pain, the loneliness, all the pain etc you see and feel so much more and better then if you try to push it down and out, don't ignore it because it will come back to make things worse. Just listen and listen well, let them know you are there for them, ask them to go see a movie with you, they may just want to be in the presence of another human being without being required to say anything, without having the tears that keep flowing or the intense reaction that is more then normal to be judged, be a safe place for the unpredictability of their own inner turmoil. Allow them to talk about their ex. Without judgment. They are processing how their life looks different now with this new addition to their personal story. Their ex may still be their favorite person and the memories of them are precious jewels to be shown only to those who can be trusted. Prove yourself to be worthy of the trust.
Have you ever noticed that we rarely allow ourselves to truly love, we are so afraid of failure and rejection and heartbreak and fallout and giving "to much" that we effectively don't love like we should? First off God tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which if you love yourself even a little bit (chances are you do you crazy) means that there should be a higher level of loving other people then there is. why don't we look out for others best interest like we do our own? Are we so afraid of the hurt and pain and rejection that we "guard" our hearts from effectively loving someone else and not allowing them into our mess and craziness? I mean you never hear seasoned parents tell new parents "Guard your heart! Your child will destroy you, hurt you, hate you, reject you. Just be careful. This is coming from a place of love. You don't want to end up hurt and alone." NO!!! Almost every parent ever says the whole thing is worth it (yes I know there are exceptions to that), every step of the way worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears. Most parents in general love their child unconditionally and would do almost anything for their child. They may not always use the right ways to accomplish this. But they give their child their all and love unconditionally.
SO WHY ARE WE SO WORRIED ABOUT LOVING ANOTHER PERSON??
It's a scary business letting someone else into the dark places of your heart, letting them see the parts of you that aren't all that pretty. But it's so healthy to have someone that you trust enough to be a secret bearer for you, to allow them into your journey and say "I trust you. You may hurt me, make me mad, push me aside, tell me see ya later, think I'm to much, that I am not enough, not the one for you but in this moment you choose me and I choose you and because of that you get to see this side of me that no one else is privy to. I want you to know this because it is important that you know, these scars are there and here's the story behind them." It's a give and take, a swapping of battle stories, the good, the bad and the ugly. But just by loving another person, you learn so much about yourself. Allowing them into your mess you effectively see things clearer, the mess will look messier, or it will start to sort itself out.
For years now I have worried that Christians are the worst at loving. Every new couple, and they all jump like vultures saying "GUARD YOUR HEARTS!!!!!!!!! You don't want to end up heartbroken, you don't know if the other person is the one, only God knows, you don't want to go against God's will." To guarded and you won't get anywhere. Too guarded and you can't love. Too guarded and you can't feel. I feel like Christians are to afraid of their own emotional shadow. God gave us emotions and feelings you green blooded Vulcans!! Use them!! Feel them!! Experience them!!! Yes its not good to let them run wild but you know what allow your self to sit in the pain for a while, you might be surprised what you learn about yourself, the world, the other person, God, your journey, the beauty of pain. Yell at God if you need. Just look all over the Old Testament, they do it all the freaking time, and who better to take your needs and pain to then the One who knows that pain best and knows you best and loves you the most.
All to often people try to force those experiencing heart ache into healing faster, to "just get over it", you "deserve better", they say "the other person isn't worth your time", the only time I can see that being good advice is if the other person abused you. And actually abused you not this "Oh they hurt you because they broke up with you but they keep talking to you so they must be abusive emotionally." No that is crap. There is going to be a certain amount of hurt on both sides when there is a break up and each side is going to handle it differently so bug off. If you don't know all the details of the break up, and even if you do, you don't get to make judgments besides what the couple that broke up want you to make. It's not your place to jump in and start offering advice into a hurting persons life, what you do get to do is to be there in presence, to let whichever side you fall on (preferably you fall to both sides, supporting both people) just be a presence, no platitudes, cliches. If either party chooses you as a trusted person to rant their feelings to then you better keep that information as classified as if your life depended on it, it's not your information, it was shared with you because that person thought you could be trusted so prove it to them and don't share their damn mess. And don't allow their rantings to allow your judgment of the other person to become clouded unless they ask it of you. Usually the pain is coming because the person cares so much for the other person and the thought of being away from that is terrifying, they don't want you to think badly of the other person, and if you do you have violated that trust.
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